Living in and surviving an abusive relationship is very difficult. On one side, you know you are not treated well and wish to have a better relationship. On the other side, you do not know how to make this "better relationship" happen! Creating the relationship you want becomes a daunting task because it is like detangling a confusing spider web. You get confused by all the messages you hear from your partner, which makes you believe the abuse you receive is your fault. You begin to believe it actually is because, otherwise, you would not be treated so badly. In an effort to solve that which you think is your fault, you try to work things out, fix things or pretend things are not really happening so that you do not have to deal with the reality of your pain. On top of that, you try to work it out on your own without the help of others to avoid they figure out about your unpopular choice to stay with your abusive partner. You do not want anyone to see you in the same way you sometimes feel: dumb, fool or taken advantage of every time your partner does it again and again. You feel that if they were to found out how you were treated, they would think for real you are provoking it or that you are really a fool.
These coping strategies, so far, by trying to hide, fix and fail on each attempt just makes you so small and does not allow you to realize your amazingness.
I wonder if you are willing to talk to yourself about the truth regarding this relationship. There are so many things you might have to come to terms with in order to solve the dilemma of "how to make this a better relationship". You must speak to yourself with the truth. Only this will help your confusion because you will start honoring your voice and your needs. This inner voice will guide your path if you trust it. Once you start doing this work and speaking yourself with the truth, you rehearse it with someone who will listen with no judgement. Speak your truth to others, including your partner. I think that is what psychotherapy is about, a space to speak from within about this confusing relationship, but also a space to speak about the confusing relationship you end up having with yourself. This is hard work but I promise it will be full of gratifying moments long term. We will detangle the spider web and you will start seeing things with a little more clarity and make strong well-balanced decisions for yourself. I am here for when you decide to talk.
Merari E. Fernández Castro,