 That story many survivors of abuse, trauma, and pain carry within at times seems like a turbulent current of water that wants to take over everything it encounters. The story is powerfully painful. It shows up at unexpected times. What to do about the story they themselves do not want to hear?
Should I write a book, a song, a poem? Should I then publish a piece of art that reflect my story, and as a result, humiliate the ones who caused me so much pain? Should I publish my story so that I become stronger and unafraid of talking about my past? Should I tell everyone so they understand why I might not seem normal? Should I just vent my story in a first therapy session so that I get rid of it? What to do with my story? What to do with what happened? What do we do with it? As it appears burdensome, heavy, crazy making and unapologetically cruel. What to do with the story of abuse? My two cents is that it is not only about the story but the ways in which survivors tell the story to themselves. It is also about the ways others listened to their stories and responded to them. Do they walk around telling their stories revictimizing themselves all over again? Do they tell their stories as a way to purge their sinful guilt that there were times in which they seemed to collaborate with whoever hurt them? And that sometimes they love the ones who hurt them? Do they tell their story because others blamed them so they want to find someone who would finally not blame them anymore? Do they tell the story as a way to get rid of reality? As a way to forget the unbearable? As a way not to think and feel about it anymore? I propose you DO tell the story but slowly. Grab a cup of tea or coffee and sit with me and I will listen. I can tolerate and bare with you as you talk. I suggest you do not live your story in isolation but with a trusted other who will be with you in the difficulty of expressing your pain. And sit comfortable because it will take a while. It will take a while.  When reflecting on the importance of listening to ourselves at those times of confusion and needed guidance, a few thoughts emerge for me. We might first question the fact that if we are confused, how is that we would be able to distinguish that inner voice that gives us the clue of how to proceed? How to recognize our voice amongst many other loud voices? We have so many thoughts, therefore, how to distinguish the ones that reflect self-sabotage from the genuine close to the heart ones.
Unfortunately, if you have had situations in life in which you learned your opinions and feelings were not important because they have not been taken into account by well-intended and loved people, it might be possible you might have a hard time distinguishing your inner voice. As a result, the seeded belief that your opinions and feelings are not important turns out to be the force behind many of your decisions. This places you at greater risk of making decisions against your best interest and well-being. It might look like you making the same old mistake or an act of self-sabotage. You might put a lot of energy on trying to ignore your thoughts, your inner voice, your feelings. At the end of the day, the big question might arise as to why is this happening again? Why do I end up putting myself in situations that are not good for me? Why my life ended up being so complicated? So many why’s. I think at these moments of so many why's, at these moments of frustration at what our lives turned out to be, during the dark nights of confusion thinking about what path to follow, listening and only listening to your inner voice might prove to illuminate the path ahead breaking down our long mastery of dismissal. It requires a considerable amount of reflection, silence, compassion, and nurturance but also honesty, a brutal honesty with yourself. The spaces for these reflections might look like meditation, but it can also look like psychotherapy. It might look like silence, like listening, like quieting the chatter of the mind. It might look like feeling deeply in silence and not falling into despair when feeling the unbearable.  Sitting on the couch while staring at a tree in silence…alone and with a warm drink in her hands, she notices a feeling. She has a peaceful sensation on her chest….a wanted feeling she was craving for in a long time.
She said, “I can’t believe that after searching for it and only finding inner turbulence, I now run into this peaceful feeling by chance.” She was not expecting it. She was not searching for it. She was not reflecting about peace. She was not crying about how miserable she was for not being at peace with herself. Peace was just there when she did not expect it. She looked back and realized that some time ago, her life was taking unexpected turns, maybe on her way to a crisis without knowing it. The months that followed were just turbulent and confusing. She did not know what to do with herself. The peaceful sensation seemed to disappear when remembering that pain for a moment as a feeling of panic took over her being. She was afraid that by remembering the pain, the peace she was just feeling unexpectedly would go away. She decided, however, not to cling to peacefulness and allow it to be and stay for the time it wants to stay with her. She then became in touch with that almost forgotten pain again. She realized one more time how painful, shocking, raw and unbearable everything was back then. Now, she reads, hears and speaks about pain again and it seems like a distant experience. It seems like something she knows very well because she has lived it and experienced it in the past. So she shared with me the following: Pain changes you at the deepest layers of your precious self. It feels as it trespasses and devours your entire being. I have felt how it shook me and made me fall into little pieces. I have seen it manifest into tears nobody could witness but myself. I have seen pain in its most cruel manifestation. I have seen myself denying pain. I have seen myself surviving pain. I have seen myself angry at pain I have many times wanted to get rid of my pain. I have fought against my pain. And I have yelled at my pain. I have challenged my pain. And sometimes I have felt the need to conquer my pain. She knows how pain feels. She has had enough time to feel it as to think it was driving her to insanity, but today, she says, she is not in pain. She wants to celebrate the times she allowed herself to feel her pain deeply as for then allowing the spontaneous moment in which pain has taken its course leaving behind...leaving her with a trace of peacefulness.  Being from a minority group makes life a little harder to navigate than for the privileged counterpart. You are not clearly represented in the groups you work or belong. The prototypes of beauty are not similar to people like you. The stories portrayed in school books or movies do not contain your story. A particular religious practice is blatantly favored in schools but yours is not anywhere to be seen or even mentioned. Food is seen as a souvenir, yet those foreigners who make them are seen as “less than”. But their food is good! There are so many ways in which being a minority can be difficult. However, it can make it even more challenging when politicians and leaders target groups like yours. This is a denial and prohibition to embrace who you are and one of the ultimate acts of rejection a minority group can experience to their sense of self.
In today’s political climate, many who have already experienced daily microaggressions (due to their country of origin, ethnicity, skin color, religion and spiritual practices, sexual orientation or gender expression and identity), might feel like everything they have signaled as discrimination is now manifested in its greatest form. It is a nightmare coming true. The challenge still remains as many cannot perceive their privilege even when its blatantly obvious and offensive. If these acts of exclusion are going unnoticed, condoned without consequences, met with celebration and conquer and treated as a political taboo not to be discussed, how can you expect to feel safe? As you try to wrap your mind around these recent political events, fear and hopelessness can take over. The question of, “What is next?”, might become your mantra and the ideal of freedom and equality for all might succumb to a mere fantasy. I say, “Don’t succumb to fear”. Our ancestors here and abroad fought difficult battles in order to leave us a little better than they were once. We certainly have a lot of work to do but have had many victories and celebrations. Many of our mentors are not with us anymore because they passed away or we departed ways, but they still left in us the essence of the fight and resistance we need to have amidst adversity. I propose that at those times of fear, rage and disbelief, to hold into the memory of the many who helped you to be here today fighting for freedom, liberty and justice. Hold into the memory of those who inspire you. Their presence remains here with you as you hold your ground. Stay in touch with your feelings and notice them as what they are, your way of coping with the unknown, rather than a feeling that controls you....And speak up. Speak up and trust your words will be heard by those who need to hear your voice for their own healing, by those who will learn it is heroic to speak up in spite your fear. Speak up and trust your words will be heard by those who still get uncomfortable with your bravery by those who still feel you have no right to do so Speak up and trust your words will be heard and our voices together will echo the fact that we are different and unique and that is a good thing Speak up and trust your words will be heard and treasured by ancestors and past generations who would have loved to see what you have become what you have accomplished in spite of...in spite of. “Continue to embrace the things that make you unique, even if it makes others uncomfortable....And whenever you feel in doubt, whenever you want to give up, you must always remember to choose freedom over fear.” –Janelle Monae  I am in touch with the crying and mourning of this world coming across as a helpless presidential vote hoping to create a fantastic place of peace, acceptance and love. I am in touch with the sadness and rage of this world as fights among us disrupts our souls feeling others’ blatant ideologies as betrayals to the human soul I am in touch with the helplessness of this world the walking with uncertainty the looking at the other with suspiciousness the not knowing the “and now what?” the blaming foreigners for our misery the oppressing and labeling the neighbor and not calling it hate the thinking that my wellbeing should walk along minorities disgrace because you deserve it because you are below soil because you are less than human assuring us a future of turmoil predicted by the witches, the bible and shamans I am in touch with the dark force of this world as days pass along the shores of a dreamy fantastic better world for our children and ourselves I see the pain of humanity when we devote our hopes in world leaders who are supposed to take our lives from misery and pain and dramatically change it to freedom and hope. And in seeing our naivety and blind illusory faith in government, leaders and saviors hope becomes a shooting star flying across the sky fast enough to barely catch its spark. I am holding the pain of the world for its failure to protect one another for its failure to protect for its failure to live up to the expectation for its failure to believe leaders and retaliate their failures against the most vulnerable. I am holding humanity’s pain but also its failure to turn its pain into action of love but self-destruction. I am in touch with your pain, with your misery, with your darkness, with your sadness and anger. I am holding it with you. But I also hold you accountable and responsible for the hopes devoted in leaders who scapegoat those who, if left unprotected have no way to defend themselves. I hold you accountable for every tear of suffering. I hold you accountable. I am in touch with the crying mourning of this world All of it Not only one side. I hold it all and is heavy I invite you to hold and carry humanity’s pain with me. Instead of trying to escape from it Numb, turn your gaze or displace it into others I invite you to feel it. Feel it with me. Hoping, after seeing oppression and discrimination so openly blatant at its face, at the words of political leaders, this being the last time we deny how others are suffering. Hoping we stop hoping for them to transform our lives with a single vote every four years. Hoping that by holding this pain we create a fantastic world ourselves and not leave it to the hands of leaders. Hoping we create hope right in front of us without the need of retaliation, but amending what is broken, healing with words and actions of compassion and love. Hoping carrying this pain brings all of us to understand that we need to be here not every four years but every single day in every way in every step of the way for one and other.  There are times when we look at the sky to check the weather of our lives, and it seems uncertain. The clouds cover the lights of hope. The white sprinkles of snow do not let us look at what is in front of us with clarity. The cold wind freezes our heart desire from moving forward to embrace our future. All signs seem to tell us it is not worth the fight and our bodies succumb to fear and disappointment. The strategies to feel better seem useless when encountering the worst of our hopelessness. In front of all this gloomy forecast, we wonder if the sun will ever rise. One day, we wake up with the idea and desire to feel better. We seat and breathe in front of the glass window waiting for the sun to salute to us.
We know that when life forecast hit us hard, we are not even hoping to try what have been said would help us feel better. However, it is not until we decide to share in connection with others that we notice a change for the better. If talking about our experience is too difficult and overwhelming, maybe we can open our hearts to this new experience called yoga. Maybe it is time to breathe and open our arms, to be receptive in the middle of our already feelings of vulnerability. Some students have mentioned memories have come to their minds while practicing yoga helping them find out the reason behind those hard to express feelings; while others have been able to use the yoga practice to embrace their story and connect it to their feelings. Others have said yoga has helped them be more authentic and to find out who they really are. Life just begins to make much more sense. We might want just to sit and breathe and check in with our body. It will give us a wealth of information about how we feel. We ought to try to allow ourselves to feel our bodies as we breathe and maybe become more in touch with ourselves. We might find ourselves moving with the flow of the class and enjoying our bodies for the first time. We might struggle with being present but then experience the guidance of a yoga teacher reminding us just to bring our minds back to the here and now. We might end the class with a feeling of peacefulness, and we might want to find ways to stretch this good enough feeling throughout the rest of the day. The sky might still be gray. The snow might still be an obstacle to seeing what is in front of us. However, we learn not to freeze anymore by utilizing the self-awareness we have already gained. As we open our arms and breathe, we change the patterns we have created in our bodies as a result of sadness and fear. We can now hope the sun will always rise.  Living in and surviving an abusive relationship is very difficult. On one side, you know you are not treated well and wish to have a better relationship. On the other side, you do not know how to make this "better relationship" happen! Creating the relationship you want becomes a daunting task because it is like detangling a confusing spider web. You get confused by all the messages you hear from your partner, which makes you believe the abuse you receive is your fault. You begin to believe it actually is because, otherwise, you would not be treated so badly. In an effort to solve that which you think is your fault, you try to work things out, fix things or pretend things are not really happening so that you do not have to deal with the reality of your pain. On top of that, you try to work it out on your own without the help of others to avoid they figure out about your unpopular choice to stay with your abusive partner. You do not want anyone to see you in the same way you sometimes feel: dumb, fool or taken advantage of every time your partner does it again and again. You feel that if they were to found out how you were treated, they would think for real you are provoking it or that you are really a fool.
These coping strategies, so far, by trying to hide, fix and fail on each attempt just makes you so small and does not allow you to realize your amazingness. I wonder if you are willing to talk to yourself about the truth regarding this relationship. There are so many things you might have to come to terms with in order to solve the dilemma of "how to make this a better relationship". You must speak to yourself with the truth. Only this will help your confusion because you will start honoring your voice and your needs. This inner voice will guide your path if you trust it. Once you start doing this work and speaking yourself with the truth, you rehearse it with someone who will listen with no judgement. Speak your truth to others, including your partner. I think that is what psychotherapy is about, a space to speak from within about this confusing relationship, but also a space to speak about the confusing relationship you end up having with yourself. This is hard work but I promise it will be full of gratifying moments long term. We will detangle the spider web and you will start seeing things with a little more clarity and make strong well-balanced decisions for yourself. I am here for when you decide to talk.  For those of us who love sports, we succumbed to the temptation of following the Olympic Games taking place in Rio de Janeiro. I confess being taken away by the precision, attention to details, discipline but even more by all the emotions displayed by athletes from different parts of the world. I realized one more time emotions are a universal experience we are all very well familiar with. I was touched by athletes’ happiness, sorrow and joy. I reacted to their victories as well as to their disappointments. I guess, there are things we might not have in common with athletes, but there is certainly a human experience that cannot be missed and that is our identification with universal feelings.
I think the Olympic Games touches so many sensitive areas within us. We all need others' affirmations highlighting our goodness and competence. We want to be seen by others in the most real way either as having success as an individual or as part of a dedicated team. We want our stories of identification with cultural, ethnic or personal values to be seen by the rest of the world as a sign that we do matter. Athletes also try to avoid feelings of failure by trying to win every challenge. They, however, have to overcome many losses before they can win a game. Many of these Olympians expressed very openly these feelings of frustration and loss on camera. Failing to win a competition at the Olympic Games is so public and experienced by everyone as it is broadcasted to the entire world. It is through competition that many doubts surface their consciousness regarding being good enough wondering if others have the capability to see their competence. While on the race track, the tennis court or the swimming pool, there is no other choice for athletes but to face the challenges, trust themselves and jump into the water. The fear of the unknown is not enough to hold them back from facing it because it is the only way they know they will win. Aren't all these issues similar to what we have to face in life? We want to be seen and mirrored. We want to overcome our challenges, although, sometimes we are not sure if we want to face them. We want to avoid feelings of loss and failure. We want to win every single life battle. We later leave disappointed when we do not win as we wished. We get impatient with ourselves because we do not see results. We do not realize that it will take a long journey in order to attain what we are looking for. The real lesson for me, however, is the fact that we are all on the court playing in this life looking for life medals. In the meantime, we face disappointments and joys. One emotion is not better than the other. They are all part of the human experience and they need to be received with open arms. The value of the game is not the goal but the process. The real medal is to realize we all have been shaped by this game of life and to be able to experience all of it fully and deeply. Picture Source Corbi Images  The human being is a guest house Every morning there is a new arrival A joy, a depression, a meanness Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor Welcome and entertain them all Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house and empty it from its furniture still, treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. -Jelaluddin Balkhi Rumi Taken from Intensive Psychotherapy for Persistent Dissociative Process: The fear of feeling real by Richard A. Chefetz  “Belief consists in accepting the affirmations of the soul; unbelief, in denying them.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson Check this poem at Rebelle Society! Intuition, why do we question you so much? Wouldn’t life be easier if we make you our best friend? Wouldn’t it be easier to embrace you, love you, nurture you and give you the benefit of the doubt? Wouldn’t you keep us away from trouble, heartaches, headaches and stomachaches? Why not opening our heart to your advice? You have proven to be right every time. Why not opening the door and invite you to sit at the dinner table? There, we could have an honest conversation. You can tell us how far sometimes we try to run away from ourselves. You can tell us how to ground ourselves and stay in touch with our own advice. You can show us the art of listening and attuning to our needs, to trust our voice, to let our best judgment flow and tell us the path that is right for us. We could cry together about life. We could laugh until late at night about the ways we handled our past, that which life brought to our hands. Intuition, why not listening to you? You are that gentle, nurturing but firm voice. Your presence has been with us during times of turmoil and lack of control. But, amidst chaos, have we noticed your presence at all? Intuition, how much do you know us? You grew inside like a small and tiny seed since those naïve and daring young days. You have witnessed hurt and sorrow through every life disappointment, becoming strong and wise, getting to know us as the palm of your hand. But the clouds of life silenced you many times. The turmoil and loud noises swallowed your voice. And the outsiders’ voices diminished your greatness. Intuition, do you deserve this abandonment? Do you deserve this lack of acknowledgement? Do you deserve being questioned one more time? Intuition, why not opening ourselves to you? Because some time ago We learned our voice had no worth We learned our opinion had no weight We learned that in order to grow painfully grow we had to listen deep within and we do not want to be in pain. But you persist and stay with us hopeful and eager to help, in spite of our neglectful manners toward you again. You remain grounded with your feet planted on solid earth waiting for us to come back to find ourselves again. You witness our sorrow but know the wiser way to avoid falling into new disappointments and despair one more time. There is one thing we need to learn from you. We need to learn to discern your voice from the crowd. We need to learn to notice your voice when it gets confused with that voice that self punishes, invalidates and distorts our view. We need to attune our hearing to the clever sound of your voice. We need to imagine all the possible turns our lives can take If we commit to you If we see you as our greater companion If we acknowledge no one has greater wise advice than the one that comes from you. Intuition, you have been waiting for us to return, and here we are, opened, eager and decided! We are decided to give you the place you deserve in our lives. We raise our hands in front of you promising loyalty We etch your words in stone We record your words in our heart We will create a song that reminds us of you We will talk about you to family and friends We will be eager to sit with you every day close our eyes and listen, practice listening, until we get used to the gentle, loving tone of your voice. This is our love poem to you, intuition. I hope you accept our pledge for forgiveness for leaving you. I wish you receive and stay with us. This is our chance to know what we are made of. Intuition of our life, we hold your hand really loving you and trusting you again. “Intuition is always right in at least two important ways. It is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart” ―Gavin de Becker |